The Ultimate Betrayal: Lying to Ourselves

The Ultimate Betrayal: Lying to Ourselves

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“Truth uttered before its time is dangerous.” ~Meng Tze

My heart has been very heavy this week because I had to end a business relationship due to deception.   My business associate, whom I will name “Bill” to protect his reputation, was both consciously and unconsciously sabotaging my business.  Even though the Universe flashed so many red lights right in my face, I continued to look the other way because I cared so much.  Ultimately, I was only lying to myself and damaging my own business.  When I finally admitted the truth to myself, which was enormously painful, that is when I had the courage to end it.

In my attempt to help Bill and build trust between us, I even confronted him with the truth — that while lying to me was bad, lying to himself was far worse.  Unfortunately, the student was not ready for the lesson, so it only created more strain in our relationship.  As Meng Tze said, “truth uttered before its time is dangerous.”  When we speak the truth too soon, it only ends up back firing at us because the other person only becomes defensive and resentful, resulting in a more stressful situation.  Only when the student is ready can the teacher appear.

I know that Bill’s deception came from a place of deep fear of abandonment.  In revealing that part of himself, he thought he would be showing weakness and vulnerability, which, by admission, is really showing strength and courage. Rather than dealing with that fear by communicating it to me, a situation that could have been resolved, he chose to lie as an act of desperation and perhaps crying out for help. While I am sure I played some part in that fear, and have asked God for forgiveness, Bill was not ready to admit to himself his own deep-seeded fear, so, ultimately, there was nothing I could have done to help.  And because of this denial, I suspect that the lies would have continued and worsened.    

We mask our deepest fears by lying to ourselves, which translates into lying to others.  Obviously, it’s painful to face our fears, so we take the easy road by masking it.  When we tell one lie, then we have to tell another one, until it becomes a domino of lies, which we can’t keep track of.  An ultimate betrayal of ourselves, when we’re not living in the truth, we are compromising who we are and the potential of our own greatness to shine.  

The most damaging lie to ourselves is when we think that our happiness lies somewhere external, in other people and material things — a trap most of us have fallen into, including myself.   Instead of looking inward, knowing that God loves us unconditionally and is always protecting us for our best interest, we show our fear through dysfunctional behaviors, like lying. Another common dysfunctional behavior to mask our fear is clinging onto unhealthy relationships.  When when we lie to ourselves, we continue to attract emotionally dysfunctional  people into our lives because our lies become a magnet for other people who are lying to themselves — the universal law of attraction.  So when two dysfunctional people come together, they live in an illusion that the other person will solve their problems.  In reality, the reverse is true: the fear between two people is just feeding off of each other, so it is heightened, often resulting in eventual divorce or separation.  Other typical ways people manifest that fear is through drug or alcohol abuse or eating disorders.

Ultimately, the root of  our fear can only be healed by looking inward, which is when we tap into our own truth and the perfection of this Universe.  Many of us are afraid to look deep into ourselves, because we are afraid that we might find someone we don’t like.  However, the truth about ourselves only reveals that we are already perfect, eternally loved, never alone, and, most importantly, utterly fulfilled without any external forces   — the only state when we can release our fears.    When we look outside of ourselves to alleviate our fear, it’s like placing a band aid on the symptom, so we can never really heal the wound.   Like cutting the roots of the weeds to prevent it from ever growing back, we have to cut out the roots of our dysfunctional thoughts and emotions by looking inward to prevent it from growing and rearing its ugly head.  When we lie, deep inside, we feel like we are betraying ourselves, causing a lot of self guilt.  Guilt is one of the lowest energy vibrations, which can spiral our lives out of control, and it can only be released through our own forgiveness.  So, whenever we look for answers outside of ourselves, through other people and material things, we always come back to the same place of unhappiness and suffering  — a vicious cycle that never ends.

To stop lying to ourselves, in our meditations and prayers, we must release all of our fears and doubts to our God, who is happy to take on our negative burden, and then we must embrace forgiveness.  When you forgive yourself, you will naturally forgive the other person no matter how much pain or damage that person has caused.  Forgiveness will allow you to move forward in a positive direction and break lose from our own negativity so we don’t become stuck in our lives. Forgiveness also allows us to tap into infinite love — the most powerful weapon to vanquish our  fears.  In loving ourselves unconditionally, we only attract the right people who emit self love and worth, so the relationship is not clingy, but rather healthy and complimentary because we are sharing in the happiness and celebrating the magnificence of the union of our higher Being.   

In my prayers and meditations, I have forgiven Bill and asked the Universe for forgiveness for my own human weaknesses and hurt I may have caused. Because God and this Universe are so loving, I know I have been forgiven, which is why my faith in God’s love is deeper than ever before.  While it’s bad enough to lie to others, it’s far worse and damaging to lie to yourself, so don’t hide behind your mask of lies.  Let’s emerge from the shadows of fear into our true Being of the bright light that keeps us safe, loved and magnificent beyond measure. 

Thank you, God, for your forgiveness, eternal love and steady hand in these emotional times.

By Moon Cho, Creator of Ying & Yang Living

Comments

  1. says

    Greatly enjoyed reading your posting above about betrayal, lieing to oneself and others, due to self-deception, and finally finding forgiveness for clarity to move forward. For me betrayal, deep betrayal has been a profound personal struggle. I wonder if it also is a current and timely cultural issue?

    I feel I have been in a similar situation, within my second marriage, where I feel my second life-partner has sabotaged our potential accomplishments, due to his inability to face deeper issues of abandonment fears within himself. I realize I have somehow, unwittingly been compliant with that sabotage. I feel that his “abuse, both of me and of himself, as a rage-alcoholic” have been self-deceiving, and I have for too long enabled him to continue with those behaviors.

    It is a circuitous and complex loop of a relationship entrapment, whose complexity I feel you have addressed in your self-expressive writing above. Thank you. I too have had to forgive myself for NOT confronting behaviors that have sabotaged us from moving forward, as we had initially and confidently disused and planned to do in our retirement.

    I have spent years “figuring out” which are “his” personal issues, and, YES, abandonment seems to be present. At the same time I see many cultural issues which seem to be present, perhaps more from someone (this man of my second major relationship, in this lifetime), raised in the state of Texas, which is its own unique state of mind-set.

    The biggest betrayal between us is also cultural: that is his NASA job, betrayed him, and laid him off at just short of 20 years of service, and 60 years of age, when he would a\have been eligible for a decent pension. The “dirty dozen” at the top of corporate management laid off 600 of 3600 men, when they “lost a $25,000.000 bid for part of the International Space Station.” He was then left, which meant me, as his later life spouse, with a pitiful pension after a career with NASA; just 100’s dollars a month pension, with at least good health insurance. Intelligent people too old really to “start anew.” This betrayal seems cultural, among, many American corporations.

    Perhaps, this corporate action was felt as an abandonment, by him (though he rarely talks of it). After a 30 year career with NASA, he seemed unable, and even unwilling, to adjust, to that “cultural reality. He had expected at least a 50% pension, which would have been a comfortable retirement, with our combined social security. Now we have essentially just social security.

    Due to his inability to discuss rationally, all the financial changes needed to be made between us, I observed our potential “getting lost and I felt wasted.” I felt ignored, despite a wide range of efforts to discuss financial adjustments. Rage blocked most efforts on my part to effect beneficial adjustments. I began to feel betrayed, mainly because, he “sacredly promised to build a house for us” on our retirement land, which has never happened. Imagine promising a woman to build “a retirement nest,” and NOT having it happen, when money WAS available. This has been felt by me as a BIG betrayal, due to his refusal to cooperate in what I feel is a reasonable way to make the best of a difficult situation.

    As well, at his chosen church culture, where I was able to pour in my creative energies, I also did not feel his support. Finally, I left that church and went to a church, I felt was more “my own.” In that place of real spiritual maturity, I have felt loved and secure enough to open my heart and feel some forgiveness. Realizing that this man is the only child, of an only child, I may have enabled him, to play the Lone Star, calling the shots in our community engagements. I found alternative social engagements for myself that were satisfying.

    Two factors now flow back and forth within both my personal and cultural conflicts. First, I find that strong women, seem to attract men who seek healing for their early abandonment issues (both my husbands, due to their early life issues, seem to have abandonment issues, which my generous nurturing nature, seemed to be desired. Husband #2’s mother needed to go to work during the depression, while ending of a marriage due to extreme anger in father’s artistic and creative temperament).

    We, strong nurturing women, seem to benefit, in some karmic way, from “rescuing and supporting” such men, who are often also very strong, in their own ways, especially intellectually.” At the same time eventually we find ourselves “drained dry” finding little reciprocal support, such as emotional support and even financial support, flowing back to us, in this kind of relations ship. Rather a kind of “sabotaging” of mutual efforts, as you suggest, seems to happen, instead of the realized potentials for creative accomplishments, that are envisionable, but that do not materialize?

    Twenty years ago, early in this marriage, I joined a Goddess group, my first women’s group, and our wise leader said, “It seems that behind every strong man is a strong woman. And, behind every strong woman are her girlfriends.” I was grateful to more beyond the east Coast more patriarchal culture I was raised in to value relationships with women, based on our mutual growth. This proved to be a new way to find mutual support, networking and growth away from the patriarchal system I was raised in, but which seems to also have a glass ceiling” at its higher levels of accomplishment. Is the American male-ego really more threatened, rather than grateful for strong, creative and accomplished women… or not?
    I have to also wonder, is the American man, culturally sabotaged by the seeming cultural demand that men not express and process their feelings? Does the American culture role model the warrior “football” archetype, to the disadvantage of American men and the American society?

    Being curious about your background, I wonder if I am being presumptuous to assume you are a product of the traditional Chinese culture, described in ” Snow Flower and the Secret Fan: by Lisa See; a traditional culture that was essentially patriarchal, with women having bound feet, up to the time the Communist people’s revolution. If I may make that assumption, I wonder if you have come to your creative resolution, within yourself, and with your former business partner, based on a personal philosophy that you are evolving now, for yourself, and offer to us, your readers, here? I find I have come to a similar creative resolution, over the past several years, and appreciate the sharing you have e-posted here, as an affirmation of my personal evolution.

    The second thing I am finding is that women, as Mommies, have tremendous maturational and spiritual advantages over their men, when they spend time raising their children, while the daddy’s go out tom work, in the competitive American market place. I find in our child-raising, we can “clean up” our faulty parenting, process and flush away bad memories, and consciously decide to “do better” and then do what we creatively choose, within our families. If the daddy’s are not active and present in child raising, they do not have time to “clean-up” faulty patenting. Their choice. In discussions with their co-parenting wives, and in time chosen to be with their children, men can clean up and clear out faulty parenting scars, if they wish.

    As well, women, and men, who have no children, can still do the “cleaning-up work” which would be touching on the rage, often accompanying abandonment issues. Rage, and abuse behaviors, can systematically embedded as deep emotional scars that need to be replaced with creative active problem solving behaviors.

    Being able to reach into the deep pre-verbal layers of emotional scarring via tapping the benefits of creative arts therapies has been my life work.

    I am so grateful that someone has written so well about this issue of betrayal, which I have felt, and which seems to be timely for so many “strong” and competent women, who now face a choice about staying with a “draining and conflicted partner.”

    To whatever degree I can bring resolve into my own life, and into the life of others, I look forward to doing so. Strong women can only evolve, if they have equality strong men to mirror the balance of the cultural mythology of a Divine Feminine with the Divine Masculine within our evolving society. This is the vision that Dr. Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell felt was the next step in the evolution of the human species.
    So glad a conversation has been opened, which address the deepest core issues that may block out evolution toward such a desirable future.

    Ples e-alert me, if this conversation continues. Namate.

    • Moon Cho says

      Hello, Roberta… Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story. As I was reading it, a lot of emotions came up for me. I am curious: how have you been dealing with your own issues of betrayal by others and by yourself? Do you know the root childhood causes of your husband’s issues of abandonment or whatever they may be? Our issues always come from some childhood trauma.